The changing sexual life course of gay men and lesbians in contemporary Italy

This paper examines the changing norms shaping gay men and lesbians’ sexual life courses in Italy between the mid-1990s and the early 2010s. Comparing data on gay men and lesbians’ sexualities from repeated cross-sectional survey studies on same-sex desiring people, the paper describes gendered trends in line with the on-going transformations in the meanings of sexuality in contemporary Italy. Focussing on the meaning of sexual norms for men and women, gendered aspects of same-sex sexualities are analysed: sexual developmental trajectories, the number of sexual partners, their meeting places, and sexual exclusivity in the couple.

In modern and contemporary Euro-American societies four systems of norms on sexuality coexist. Their respective social relevance has changed across centuries and decades (DeLamater 1981). According to the ascetic normative system, sexual desire and sexual intercourse must be avoided. Religious beliefs on the impurity and damnation of bodies are the cornerstone of this perspective. According to the second normative system, the procreational perspective, sexual desire and sexual intercourse have socially regulated procreation as the only legitimate goal. Therefore, a host of sexual inclinations and behaviours are sanctioned or considered perverse. Among them, out-of-wedlock intercourse, sexual promiscuity, homosexuality, and non-vaginal sex.

A third normative system, the relational perspective, sees sexual desire and sexuality as expressions of a loving bond between partners and as means to strengthen this bond. Many forms of sexual desire or sexual contact need only be presented as signs or building blocks of a relationship of emotional mutuality to be allowed. An on-going relationship might also justify the condemnation of sexual desire and contact. For example, marriage and stable coupledom should not allow extra-marital affairs. Such restrictions do not hold in the recreational perspective on sexuality. This normative system sees sexuality as a source of pleasure. If men and women draw pleasure from their sexual activities, no pre-existing or promised relational bond is needed to justify sex. Pre-marital sex, extra-marital sex, or sex with strangers are allowed.

When the procreational perspective is culturally hegemonic, as in European societies in modern history, sexuality is regulated according to a gender sexual double standard (Crawford and Popp 2003). In order for procreation to be socially controlled a woman’s sexuality must be restrained and her body sexually accessible only to her rightfully wedded husband, with whom she might want to attain an emotional agreement on sexual matters. Men can engage in pre-marital sex and adultery with women who are devalued because they sell sex or because sex can be extorted from them, and whose progeny is not to be recognised as any man’s responsibility or property. This translates into recreational licence for men and relational aspirations for women.

The tenacity of this gendered double standard also rests on the cultural framing of male and female sexualities, their sources, and their consequences as fundamentally different (Laqueur 1990: 195–205). Men’s sexuality is seen as commanded by a strong biological drive. It should not be shackled by preoccupations about the interpersonal framing of the sexual act and it is relatively loosely tied to monogamous relationships and consensual behaviour. Women’s sexual desire is seen as naturally weak and as a source of danger for the women themselves. Female sexuality is an experience that can be justified only as a necessary concession to the male sexual drive.

This social organisation of sexuality is found in the biographies and attitudes of Italians born in the first half of the XX century. Men often paid for their first sexual encounter, which took place before their first romantic involvement and before marriage. Women tended to have their first sexual experience after marriage or the formation of a stable couple (Caltabiano 2010). Men tended to have a much higher number of sexual partners in their life than women (Castiglioni and Dalla Zuanna 2010). In accordance to these behaviours, men’s virginity at marriage was not given much importance, women’s virginity strongly valued (Ferrero Camoletto 2010); men’s adultery was considered a necessary evil, women’s adultery an execrable perversion (Barbagli et al.2010).

When the procreational normative system weakens the sexual double standard does not disappear, but gendered life courses change. They tend towards a new normative path spreading in Italy in the cohorts born in the past fifty years.¹ This normative path can be divided in three phases (Barbagli et al.2010).

In adolescence and young age, as they enter the sexual life course, boys and girls show attitudes to sexuality that reflect the gender double standard (Bertone 2010). However, ages at first sexual intercourse lower for men and women and the difference between genders in age at this sexual milestone narrows (Caltabiano 2010). An early romantic involvement with an age peer becomes the normative setting for sexual initiation for both genders (Buzzi 1998: 22–25; Caltabiano 2010; Garelli 2000: 36–43). Young men and women are socialised to increasingly liberal values regarding sex, hinged on a relational perspective in which gender differentials are still relevant but less than before (Barbagli et al.2010).

The relational framing of emerging sexual desire is relevant across men and women’s sexual life course. In contemporary generations the number of sexual partners people have in their life course increases, especially among men (Castiglioni and Dalla Zuanna 2010). At the same time, the opinion that men and women alike can have sex just for pleasure spreads (Bertone 2010). These trends are linked to a second, still gendered phase of sexual life courses. In young adulthood and adulthood, the liberalisation of sexual values allows for recreational sexuality as a means to explore one’s sexual self and relational possibilities (Barbagli et al.2010).

The stable romantic couple, the setting of most sexual encounters in men and women’s life courses, characterises a third and last phase. This phase is experienced and desired by a wide majority of Italians in young adulthood and adulthood (Castiglioni and Dalla Zuanna 2010). It involves a growingly liberal vision of sexuality as source of pleasure for men and women, but sexual pleasure is seen as a means to attain relational stability and entente between partners (Barbagli et al.2010). The relational focus of adult coupled sexualities entails an unwavering social execration of adultery or cheating (Ferrero Camoletto 2010).

The lives of same-sex desiring people have been influenced by the stigmatisation of same-sex desire across changing sexual cultures. Roughly before the XIX century the dominant framing of same-sex sexual intercourse allowed it only as the temporary expression of sexual incontinence or social hierarchy between otherwise heterosexual people (Trumbach 2001). At the onset of contemporary times, with the gradual unhinging of sexuality from marital duty and regulation, sexual lives centred on same-sex desire became possible (Chauncey 1994: 355–359; Tamagne 2006: 13). In the long XX century same-sex desiring people adopted the homosexual identity and built the homosexual community to gather, find partners and peers, and combat homophobia (D’Emilio 1983; Murray 1996: 73–74).

In the second half of the XX century gay men’s assimilation to male gender identity and lesbians’ assimilation to female gender identity signalled that they interpreted their sexual lives as more similar to heterosexuals’ ones according to sexual norms of the times (Miller 1995: 333–340, 398–401). Gay men and lesbians would go through a critical time of entry into sexuality, usually leading to the fateful moment of coming out as homosexuals (Herdt 1990; Savin-Williams 2001: 199–203), and in adult age look for more or less stable partners to experience sexualities accordingly to their sexual desires (Blumstein and Schwartz 1983: 321; Weeks et al.2001: 191–195; Potârcǎ et al.2015).

In contemporary Western European societies, the decline of homophobia (Gerhards 2010; Istat 2012) contributes to the recognition and protection of same-sex relationships and desires (Takács and Szalma 2011; ILGA-Europe 2015). It is also accompanied by new stigmatising claims based on the idea that gay and lesbian people display gender-deviant sexual attitudes and lives (Paternotte and Kuhar 2017).

For decades, the sociology of sexuality has observed that homosexuals follow and respond to the normative social organization of sexuality in the societies where they reside (Weeks 2010: 90–94). A comparative analysis of the findings of two surveys of gay men and lesbians in Italy at the turn of the 2000s shows how their sexual lives change as the procreational perspective on sexuality is gradually replaced by relational/recreational sexual norms.

Stigmatised communities, as the homosexual one, are difficult to reach (Rothblum 2007). Same-sex desiring individuals have historically been subject to discrimination and repression, thus are often pushed towards hiding and negation of their sexual diversity (Herek et al.2007). In 1995 and 1996 a team of sociologists distributed self-administered questionnaires throughout Italy in different milieus gathering gay men and lesbians, such as leisure venues, Pride marches, and community events. The resulting data on sexualities, relationships, and experiences of victimisation and discrimination on a convenience sample comprising 2190 gay men and 590 lesbians is stored at the Carlo Cattaneo Institute in Bologna.

In 2012 and 2013 a shortened version of this original questionnaire was distributed in lesbian and gay venues, Pride marches, and community events, producing a sample comprising 1616 gay men and 760 lesbians.² The aim of this follow-up study was gathering data on a convenience sample that would produce comparable data on gay men’s and lesbians’ sexualities and relationships in Italy across two decades. The repeated cross-sectional survey approach to change through time in Italian homosexualities is problematised by the non-random sampling procedure. Analyses on the impact of homophobia in the lives of the sampled gay men and lesbians, representing a known bias in the two samples (Rault 2011), can help framing the generalisability and comparability of data.³

Table 1 displays the prevalence of gay men and lesbians, aged 16 to 30 and with a current same-sex stable partner, who ever showed different signs of affection to their partner in public, in 1995 and 2012. For two signs of affection, comparison of data from the two survey waves points to the influence of the decline of homophobia. In 1995 61% of gay men and 70% of lesbians had kissed their partner in public. In 2012 76% of gay men and 85% of lesbians had done so. Slightly weaker growing trends are observed for hugging.

The high prevalence of public displays of affection, rising in equal size for men and women, suggests that data gathered in the two waves refers to a relatively empowered segment of the lesbian and gay population. Surveys in gay and lesbian networks are usually biased in this manner (Rothblum 2007).

The norm according to which female bodies tenderly touching do not imply sexual meanings as male bodies tenderly touching allows more public affection among female partners than male partners. The stable prevalence of handholding in public reminds that the decline of homophobia does not affect all aspects of homosexuals’ lives equally. A highly relevant aspect of gay men and lesbians’ lives, being out in one’s family of origin, offers further clarification on the nature of the samples gathered in 1995 and in 2012.

Table 2 shows the prevalence of Italian gay men and lesbians aged 16 to 30 whose mother and father know about their child’s homosexuality, know about it but do not acknowledge it, might know but have never talked about it, or do not know. Percentages of gay men and lesbians whose mother or whose father know rise respectively from about 50% to over 70% and from about 35% to 60%.

The similar and rising trends in gay men and lesbians’ disclosure in the family suggests that the 1995 and 2012 samples reflect the expected influence of decreasing homophobia across genders. A slightly steeper trend towards being out with parents is observed among lesbians, starting from a somewhat lower prevalence of disclosure and converging with gay men. This finding points to the changing meanings of gay and lesbian sexualities analysed in the next section.

As same-sex desiring people learn to feel and follow their sexual desires, usually between early adolescence and young adulthood, gender differences are expressed in different sexual developmental trajectories and sexual selves: young gay men often interpret and talk about their sexual desire as a strong biological drive, whereas young lesbians as an aspect and a consequence of an interpersonal bond (Baumeister 2000; Diamond 2008: 45; Peplau and Garnets 2000; Rosario et al.2009; Savin-Williams and Diamond 2000).

Table 3 shows the prevalence of and the median age at three sexual milestones in the lives of Italian gay men and lesbians aged 16 to 30 in 1995 and 2012. The median age at first disclosure of homosexuality is higher for gay men than for lesbians in 1995 and in 2012. From 1995 to 2012, gay men and lesbians disclose their same-sex desires earlier. An already widespread experience of having come out to someone in one’s life becomes almost universal across decades. A same-sex sexual experience at a relatively young median age is also part of the sexual development of the wide majority of gay men and lesbians in both samples. In 1995, the median age at first same-sex sexual experience was 17 for gay men and 18 for lesbians. In 2012, gay men and lesbians have a similar median age of 17 at first same-sex sexual experience.

A similar trend is observed in median age at first different-sex sexual contact. The median age is 17 for gay men and 16 for lesbians in 1995, 16 for gay men and lesbians in 2012. Different-sex sexual contact is not as common as same-sex sexual contact in young gay men and lesbians’ lives. In 1995, just above half of gay men and 70% of lesbians aged 16 to 30 had a sexual encounter with a different-sex partner. In two decades, the gender gap in different-sex sexual experience narrows: 50% of young gay men and 62% of young lesbians had a different-sex sexual experience in 2012.

Following a same-sex sexual desire that is framed as a biological truth about themselves, gay men tended to have a first homosexual experience at a younger age than lesbians, to have a heterosexual experience less often than lesbians and, when they had a first heterosexual experience, to have it later than lesbians in their sexual developmental trajectory (Bertone et al.2003: 39, 44, 49). Young gay men’s sexual development sees more relationally centred first steps into sexuality today than two decades ago, and more waiting for the first time, even if decreasing homophobia helps getting there more easily. Young lesbians’ sexual development sees more certainty of one’s desires and readiness to follow them, earlier first same-sex sexual experiences, and rarer different-sex sexual experiences.

The gendered change across decades in first disclosure of same-sex attractions and first same-sex sexual contact can also be seen in the context in which gay men and lesbians experience these sexual milestones. Table 4 shows the prevalence of different choices regarding the first person or persons to whom gay men and lesbians in Italy told that they felt same-sex attractions. From 1995 to 2012, the percentages of gay men and lesbians choosing a doctor, a priest, a psychologist or a teacher as the first confidant decrease by a third. In a decreasingly homophobic society, same-sex desiring youth do not need to look outside of close relationships to disclose their homosexuality for the first time as they did before. They can also turn to relatives more often than before. A growing percentage of young gay men and lesbians do so. In 2012, lesbians are likelier than gay men to choose a relative as their first confidant.

Friends were the likeliest choice for gay men and lesbians’ first disclosure of same-sex attractions across decades. In 1995, lesbians chose a heterosexual friend more often than gay men and a homosexual friend less often than gay men. After two decades, gay men become as likely as lesbians to choose a heterosexual friend and less likely than lesbians to choose a homosexual friend as a first confidant.

In their sexual development, gay men and lesbians in Italy tend to prefer coming out for the first time to a friend than to a relative, because peer relationships are close enough to avert homophobic rejection and not as painful to lose as a familial bond should the rejection come (Barbagli and Colombo 2007: 69–70; Bertone et al.2003: 57). Gay men in previous generations were likelier than lesbians to first come out to a relative or a homosexual friend because they interpreted their homosexual desire as a fundamental and unchanging aspect of their self, whereas lesbians were likelier than gay men to choose a heterosexual friend because they interpreted their homosexual desire as the unexpected consequence of a strong emotional bond (Bertone et al.2003: 63–64). In 2012, none of these gender differences are the way they were two decades before. The choices gay men of the youngest generations make point to a more relationally framed emerging sexual desire. More talking of emerging sexual attractions as something that does not cause upheaval in one’s self. The choices their lesbian peers make point to an early investment on same-sex sexual desire, probably impacting on the slightly steeper trend in being out with parents seen in the previous section. More talking of emerging sexual attractions as something that defines whom one is early on.

Table 5 shows the frequency distribution of Italian gay men and lesbians aged 16 to 30 according to the length of time they had known their first same-sex sexual partner before engaging in sexual contact. Considerable change is observed on the male side of the gender divide. A wide majority of young gay men in 1995 had their first same-sex sexual experience with a partner they had just known or they had known for over a year. By 2012 a slightly increasing prevalence of partners who had been just met is observed, and a greater increase in the prevalence of partners whom gay men had known for a year or less. The rate of lesbians who got to know their first same-sex sexual partner before engaging in sexual contact is almost unchanged, and the rate of gay men who did so approaches that of lesbians.

When having their first same-sex sexual partner, gay men choose someone they have just met more often than lesbians. In 1995, they were also likelier than lesbians to choose someone they had met years before, like a long-time friend with whom a fleeting sexual encounter took place. In both circumstances, the encounter is likely to be the outcome of a sexual need finding an outlet. Lesbians were and still are likelier than gay men to have their first same-sex sexual experience with someone they met and to whom they became attracted, a more classically framed romantic interest (Bertone et al.2003: 46–49). By 2012, trends in the context of gay men’s first same-sex sexual experience point to more bonding with a peer before making him one’s first sexual partner.

The normative framing of emerging gay male sexuality partially shifts from an uncontrollable biological drive that must be followed to an interpersonally created and negotiated relationship. A parallel liberalisation of sexual mores, especially regarding young lesbian sexualities, is observed. Gay men and lesbians’ first steps into sexuality undergo similar normative transformations to those observed in the Italian general population. This is also the case for later moments in their sexual life course.

Table 6 shows the prevalence of gay men and lesbians in three age groups (16–24, 25–34, and 35–54) who had more than ten same-sex sexual partners in their lives. In 1995 and 2012 and in all age groups gay men are likelier than lesbians to have had more than ten same-sex sexual partners in their life. Across decades the gender gap narrows. Lesbians become likelier to have had more than ten same-sex sexual partners. The prevalence of sexually adventurous gay men is stable in time, save for those under 25 having fewer sexual partners than before.

In the second phase of the normative sexual life course in contemporary Italy recreational sexuality is allowed to some extent for both genders. A relational frame still governs this phase. Sexual experimentation in young adulthood and adulthood is seen mostly as a gateway towards better relationships. Similar trends are observed among gay men and lesbians. Gay men, already enjoying a sexual libertinism that overshadowed that of heterosexual men in past decades (Barbagli 2010; Barbagli and Colombo 2007: 113–116; Bertone et al.2003: 122), are especially enticed by the relational aspect of the new normative phase of sexual experimentation. The youngest tend to look for a decreasing number of sexual partners, in line with what has been observed above regarding adolescent and young sexuality. Young adults and adults do not show signs of surrendering their libertine morals. These morals are growingly normative for everyone in their life course stage. Lesbians’ sexual habits, as heterosexuals’, move towards them.

Table 7 displays the percentages of gay men and lesbians in three age groups who met at least one of their last three sexual partners (except for the current stable partner) in different situations. The prevalence of gay men who met one partner in sexual venues such as darkrooms, gay saunas or cruising spots⁴ grows linearly with age in 1995 and in 2012, but steeply declines across decades. In 2012, meeting partners in a sexual venue is nearly as common among gay men under 25 as it is among lesbians under 25. A slightly lower percentage of lesbians over 24 met their sexual partners in sexual venues in 2012 than in 1995. The rates of lesbians who did so were a fourth to a seventh of those of gay men in 1995, a third to a fourth in 2012.

An almost complete stability across decades is observed in percentages of gay men who met at least one of their last three sexual partners in daily milieus such as the workplace, school halls or university classrooms. Linearly decreasing across age classes, these percentages are from 30 to 50 percentage-points lower than those observed for lesbians in 1995 and 2012. Lesbians overwhelmingly meet their growing numbers of same-sex sexual partners in daily milieus. At least three fourths of them did so in all age groups across decades. Among lesbians under 25 meeting more sexual partners than their generational predecessors means doing so in sexual venues and in daily milieus.

In addition to sexual venues and daily milieus, gay men and lesbians in 2012 were asked if they had met one of their last three sexual partners through an online site for sexual encounters. The rates of gay men who did so are three to four times those of lesbians. This option, even if not as popular among lesbians as among gay men, contributes to lesbians’ rising number of sexual partners as sexual venues and daily milieus do.

Gay men often find partners in venues intended for sex in the gay community, whereas lesbians often meet their sexual partners in everyday milieus, whether they are looking for sex or for romance (Barbagli and Colombo 2007: 140; Bertone et al.2003: 123–125). Not all differences between gay men and lesbians narrow. In line with the stable gap in public acceptability of physical closeness between men or between women, the differences between the places where gay men and lesbians meet their sexual partners still run deep. In the new millennium gay men switch the sexual venues they created in past decades of towering homophobia for online services. Lesbians use these too, but less then gay men.

In the third phase of the contemporary normative sexual life course, stable coupledom reinforces the relational focus of sexuality. The prohibition of extra-marital sexual encounters depends on this relational focus. Table 8 shows the frequency distribution of gay men and lesbians with a stable partner, in the three age groups in 1995 and 2012, according to whether they never, once, or more than twice had an extra-couple sexual encounter during their on-going relationship. Sexual exclusivity spreads substantially among gay men, especially young adult and adult ones. Across decades, gay men are the likelier to have had more than two extra-couple sexual encounters the older they are. Having had only one extra-couple sexual encounter becomes rarer from 1995 to 2012, but it does not vary between age groups as much as serial non-monogamy does.

A repeated infraction of the sexual norm of fidelity can be much more difficult to hide or ignore than a one-time slip outside of it, and serial non-monogamy suggests an implicitly or explicitly negotiated sexually open relationship (Blumstein and Schwartz 1983: 285–290, 295). This kind of negotiated non-monogamy separates same-sex couple sexualities in Italy, as its prevalence is markedly higher among gay men than lesbians. The difference in rates of partners who had one extra-couple sexual encounter between gay men and lesbians is absent or small.⁵ Change in lesbians’ couple sexual norms is driven mainly by the retreat of the one-time extra-couple fling and the rise of sexual exclusivity. No less than 80% of partnered lesbians have always been sexually monogamous in their current relationship in 2012. The greatest increase in sexual exclusivity is observed among 35–54 year olds. Going against the grain, the low prevalence of serial non-monogamy doubles among 16–24 year olds, suggesting a vulnerability of the normativity of sexual monogamy to the increasingly liberated young female sexual desire.

Socialised in the previous gendered sexual perspective, gay men of the past generations have been observed to break the rules of sexual exclusivity more often than heterosexual men, heterosexual women, and lesbians (Barbagli and Colombo 2007: 216–217; Bertone et al.2003: 128–130; Blumstein and Schwartz 1983: 288–299; Kurdek 1995; Peplau and Spalding 2000). Among gay men and lesbians in younger generations, the respectively most common form of sexual non-monogamy, either serial or accidental, recedes. Gay men and lesbians increasingly feel the unwavering hold of relational norms on couple sexualities.

It must also be noted that in the 2012 sample one every four respondents aged 16 to 30 reports that their mother is unaware of or avoids talking about their homosexuality, and more than one every three respondents say so about their father. As discussed above, the samples analysed here are likely to over-represent empowered same-sex desiring people. Vulnerability to homonegativity is higher for gay men and lesbians with fewer individual resources (Pelullo et al.2013). Homophobic repression might still be even more widespread than the samples analysed here suggest.

A repeated cross-sectional survey approach allows observing that gay men and lesbians increasingly experience sexual developmental milestones at similar ages and rates across the gender divide. They decreasingly experience their first coming out and first same-sex sexual contact in conventionally gendered situations. The number of lesbians’ sexual partners rises towards that of gay men’s. Sexual exclusivity spreads in gay and lesbian couples and the places were gay men and lesbians meet sexual partners consistently differ, but gendered trends point to the common underlying norms of public and private sexual policing.

Gay men and lesbians’ sexual lives change according to a shift from the highly gendered norms of the procreational and naturalised perspective to a less markedly but still gendered relational/recreational perspective on sexuality, similarly to heterosexuals’ sexual lives. Findings on sexual developmental trajectories, sexual encounters and sexual partners of gay men and lesbians in Italy confirm sociological reflections on the continued relevance of gendered sexual norms (Jackson 2006; Rahman and Scott 2010: 210), the importance of a life course perspective on changing sexualities (Carpenter and DeLamater 2012), and the sometimes subterranean reformulations of sexual norms (Plummer 2010).

The idea that male and female sexual desires are different because they are biologically meant to complement each other feeds homophobia by making homosexuality seem unnatural to those who feel or are confronted by same-sex desires (Richardson 2010; Tolman 2006). Less gendered sexual life courses might undermine this conviction. Communities and political actors supporting sexual minorities in Italy face a continuing negative influence of homophobia on gay and lesbian lives and changing gay and lesbian sexualities. They might benefit from further sociological attention to gender differences and generational transformations in sexual norms.

No potential conflict of interest was reported by the authors.

Luigi La Fauci has been doing research in the sociologies of sexuality, migration, and death at the University of Bologna and independently. He earned his PhD in 2016 at the University of Trento with a dissertation on gay and lesbian sexual and relational cultures in Italy.

Luigi La Faucihttp://orcid.org/0000-0001-6742-3647